Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Friday, July 25, 2008

Barry's Summer of Love

     Some of the more golden of rhetorical nuggets from Barry's Summer of Love Magical Mystery Tour:

  • "[A]s millions of Americans who watched the primary campaign learned, Obama is invariably articulate. There would be no verbal gaffes [on his tour]." -- David Broder, Washington Post

  • "Let me be absolutely clear, Israel is a strong friend of Israel's. It will be a strong friend of Israel's under a McCain . . . administration. It will be a strong friend of Israel's under an Obama administration. So that policy is not going to change." -- The Obamessiah, July 22nd, Amman, Jordan

  • "It is not going to be a political speech . . . When the president of the United States goes and gives a speech, it is not a political speech or a political rally." -- Senior campaign foreign policy advisor on the Obamessiah's speech in Berlin

  • "[T]he objective of this trip was to have substantive discussions with people like President Karzai or Prime Minister Maliki or President Sarkozy or others who I expect to be dealing with over the next eight to 10 years." -- The Obamessiah on CBS' Face the Nation

  • "Throughout our history, America's confronted constantly evolving danger, from the oppression of an empire, to the lawlessness of the frontier, from the bomb that fell on Pearl Harbor, to the threat of nuclear annihilation. Americans have adapted to the threats posed by an ever-changing world." -- The Obamessiah in West Lafeyette, IN before embarking on his tour

  • "My German is not real good. I can speak Bahasi Indonesian but I don't think . . . there would be a lot of appeal to that." -- The Obamessiah on his command of languages

  • "It’s always a bad practice to say 'always' or 'never'"

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Why Obama is Better than Jesus

Jesus fed a bunch of people with a few fish and some loaves of bread, but whre was He the next day when they were hungry again?Obama wants to make sure everybody has enough food to eat, and he'll make sure you receive a well-balanced diet in accordance with that government food-pyramid scheme thing, not just a bunch of lousy fish and bread.
Jesus walked on water.Obama's campaign has both a bus and a plane, both of which are much faster than walking. And the plane's only broken down once.
Jesus turned water into wine.Obama's smoked pot and snorted cocaine. How cool is that, dude?
As a kid, Jesus spent some time in Egypt.As a kid, Obama went to school in Indonesia.
Jesus spent His entire life in the Middle East, but that was 2,000 years ago.Obama just visited the Middle East the other day, so his information's a bit more up-to-date.
Jesus went around healing a lot of sick people.Obama promises universal health coverage for all, not just those people he can visit personally.
Jesus helped Simon catch some fish when there were none to be had in the lake.Obama would help Simon apply for unemployment benefits and college tuition loans so he could retrain for a new career in Business Management.
Jesus stopped a storm, thus saving His disciples and their boat.Obama promises more money for FEMA to help people rebuild their shattered lives after a disaster.
Jesus made a fig tree wither away because:
  1. it didn't have any fruit on it and He was hungry, and
  2. He could.
Obama is all about the environment and would never by his actions cause any harm to come to a living thing.
Jesus cast out a bunch of demons.Obama just throws them under his campaign bus.
Jesus' ministry only lasted three years.Obama had dedicated his entire adult life to public service.
Jesus never met anybody He didn't like, even that Judas guy who betrayed Him.Betray Obama and he'll throw you under the bus.
Jesus brought dead people back to life.Once you get run over by Obama's bus, that's pretty much it.

Friday, July 18, 2008

The Joker

     Heath Ledger was briliantly insane. If he doesn't win an Oscar, I will have to dislike Hollywood and all the pretentious bastards who work there far more than I do now.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Ten Thought Thursday

  1. Him: "I woulda married the Coca-Cola chick, but she can't cook worth a damn."
  2. Her: "I would've married the Coca-Cola chick, but then we would've been social pariahs . . . but at least I wouldn't be living in a hole in the ground in New Mexico."
  3. I'm tired of seeing commercials for the Olive Garden like it's an authentic Italian restaurant. No self-respecting Italian would be caught dead eating there.
  4. If a train leaves New York City's Grand Central Terminal at 9:23am EST heading east at an average speed of 63mph and a second train leaves Chicago at 8:46am CST heading east at an average speed of 67mph, at what time are the people who come up with these questions going to realize that nobody takes passenger trains from New York to Chicago anymore, so who friggin' cares when they're gonna meet? Are they going to wreck? That would be cool.
  5. At what time did you finally realize that that train heading east out of New York wouldn't get very far before it plowed into the East River? Be honest.
  6. If I can eat with a knife, why can't I also eat with a kfork? Because english is a motley mess of a language, that's why.
  7. Who does Bret Favre think he is, anyway: Michael Jordan?
  8. When do we reach the point where we can tell politicians, "Thank you, we now have more than enough government to last us for a while. Now go home and do something productive for a change."?
  9. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck chucked as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I really wanna know.
  10. The cheese stands alone.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Ten Thought Tuesday

  10. That is all.