Because You Never Asked
- My name is not Ajax.
- I am not a penguin, although I was born in the middle of a blizzard.
- I like to eat but hate to cook.
- I one wrote an opera, but have since lost the napkin.
- Thanks to flat feet and prematurely achy joints, I can't leap over anything in any number of bounds.
- As a matter of fact, I can't leap, period.
- For a few years in the late 90's, I was the world's most successful breeder and merchant of certified, award-winning Combat Hamsters (As Seen on TV!).
- At least until the lawsuits started.
- Life Lesson No. 4,360: Sell some militant rodents to one lousy third-world wanna-be dictator who can't follow simple care instructions and all of a sudden the CIA and INTERPOL will list you as an "Illegal Arms Trafficker".
- After that little fiasco I sunk all my hamster money into an open range fur-bearing trout farm.
- Life Lesson No. 4,361: Wet fur makes trout sink.
- Next was a 40,000 acre Jackelope Ranch.
- I'm still trying to figure out what the hell they're good for.
- I once tried to perform a do-it-yourself frontal lobotomy, but the knife slipped.
- Now I have an excuse for wandering the streets muttering incoherently into my cellphone like everyone else.
- I've never seen Elvis.
- Despite all the rumors I've tried to start, I've never had sex with any major or minor celebrity, as far as you know.
- I am a wanted fugitive in Peru and most of Central America, thanks largely to the combat hamster episode(s).
- I can read ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs in the original Sanskrit.
- I know why we drive on parkways and park on driveways.
- In hindsight, I probably should've charged more than two easy payments of $199.95 each for the hamsters.
Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
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