Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Because You Never Asked

A few fun "facts" about me:

  1. My name is not Ajax.
  2. I am not a penguin, although I was born in the middle of a blizzard.
  3. I like to eat but hate to cook.
  4. I one wrote an opera, but have since lost the napkin.
  5. Thanks to flat feet and prematurely achy joints, I can't leap over anything in any number of bounds.
  6. As a matter of fact, I can't leap, period.
  7. For a few years in the late 90's, I was the world's most successful breeder and merchant of certified, award-winning Combat Hamsters (As Seen on TV!).
  8. At least until the lawsuits started.
  9. Life Lesson No. 4,360: Sell some militant rodents to one lousy third-world wanna-be dictator who can't follow simple care instructions and all of a sudden the CIA and INTERPOL will list you as an "Illegal Arms Trafficker".
  10. After that little fiasco I sunk all my hamster money into an open range fur-bearing trout farm.
  11. Life Lesson No. 4,361: Wet fur makes trout sink.
  12. Next was a 40,000 acre Jackelope Ranch.
  13. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell they're good for.
  14. I once tried to perform a do-it-yourself frontal lobotomy, but the knife slipped.
  15. Now I have an excuse for wandering the streets muttering incoherently into my cellphone like everyone else.
  16. I've never seen Elvis.
  17. Despite all the rumors I've tried to start, I've never had sex with any major or minor celebrity, as far as you know.
  18. I am a wanted fugitive in Peru and most of Central America, thanks largely to the combat hamster episode(s).
  19. I can read ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs in the original Sanskrit.
  20. I know why we drive on parkways and park on driveways.
  21. In hindsight, I probably should've charged more than two easy payments of $199.95 each for the hamsters.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.