Friday, January 16, 2009

Give Geese A Chance

If I Wrote For The Huffington Post - Give Geese A Chance

by Andy Levy

Dear Arianna;
I’m looking for a job. What do you think?

    In the wake of the events of 1-15, in which a wedge of Geese brought down a US Airways aircraft, here’s what you won’t be hearing about from the so-called “Mainstream Media”: We brought this on ourselves.

    After an event such as this one, it’s important to look at the root causes: Why did the Geese attack us? Well, the truth is, for years we have been oppressing the Geese, using them for the fuel they provide for our bodies.

    Boneless Goose Breast, Brandied Roast Goose, Roast Goose with Cumberland Sauce and Apricot Stuffing. And of course, the Christmas Goose. In the name of religion, we have been engaged in what can only be called a Crusade against the Geese. Is it any wonder that a few brave suicide Geese would seek revenge?

    Under the neocon/neofascist Cheney-Bush administration, Goose consumption is up 1541%. Geese have been systematically deprived of their rights at a level never seen before. (Look around your workplace: do you see any Geese? Wouldn’t you be nervous if you did?) Reports of shameful anti-Goose activity are at an all-time high, mainly in the South and Midwest, of course.

    The fact is, WE (and, of course, Israel) are responsible for the rise of militant Gooslam. Given our actions, is it any wonder that gaggles of Goslings would reject the teachings of moderate Goose leaders, when those leaders are perceived as being in the pocket of the West? Given our actions, is it any wonder that these young Gooslamists would flock to more assertive leaders, leaders whose commitment to their cause cannot be questioned? Given our actions, the rise of a “Goosama” was inevitable. We have only ourselves to blame. (Does anyone doubt that somewhere there’s a photo of Donald Rumsfeld shaking hands with a Goose?)

    In the moments right after 1-15, many have been quick to praise the actions of the US Airways pilot. But the TRUTH is that our pilots have been instruments of the BUSHITLER illegal war against the Geese. I know the Repuglicans will attack me for saying this, but speaking TRUTH TO POWER of course makes me a true PATRIOT. And very brave.

    Right now America’s relationship with other species couldn't be worse. Like most Americans, often when I’m hiking I find myself apologizing to woodland creatures for the actions of our illegitimate government. And like the rest of the world, I’m hopeful that once President Obama takes office, things will change, and that we will end our imperialistic attempts at hegemony over the rest of the planet. After all, if he can sit down with Iran and Hezbollah, he can sit down with the Geese.

America's True Form of Gub'mint

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Greenest Office

Al Gore's Office

Please note:
  1. The three giant computer monitors sucking up environment-polluting electricity;
  2. The widescreen TV behind him, which he isn't even watching, sucking up even more toxic electricity;
  3. The shadow on the floor beneath the desk, indicating that even though the sun is shining brightly through the windows he has the lights on inside;
  4. The mounds of forest-destroying paper strewn about his desk;
  5. The large easel made out of plastic, a non-renewable resource;
  6. The large frog hanging on the wall, also made from plastic.
Al, is it too much to ask that, if you're going to demand that everyone on the planet reorder their entire lives to "save the planet", you practice just the littlest smidgen of that which you so vociferously preach?