Sunday, May 11, 2008

Week in Review, May 4-10




     Without any introduction, explanation or reason at all, I submit for your perusal the following news nuggets. Enjoy them, if you can.


Can't read? Welcome to Iraq


     Remember when John Kerry said that the uneducated end up stuck in the army? Well, last month noted horror author and presumably well-educated word-smith Stephen King offered the following less-than-eloquent statement to a group of high school students at the Library of Congress:
I don't want to sound like an ad, a public service ad on TV, but the fact is if you can read, you can walk into a job later on. If you don't, then you've got, the Army, Iraq, I don't know, something like that. It's, it's not as bright. So, that's my little commercial for that.
Thanks for clearing that up for me, Steve. After I coasted through high school and gave up on various attempts at college, I had no real idea what options I had. Now I know I can either join the army or emigrate to Iraq, or "I don't know, something like that." Irregardless, I can rest assured that no matter which path I'm forced to choose, "[i]t's just not as bright." Although, I hear there's lots of sunshine in Iraq . . .


Down with the sickness, yo!


     More news you can use: Gang violence is a virus. So says Alex Kotlowtiz in a recent piece (registration may be required) in the New York Times Magazine. Because it's a well-known fact that many minorities are memebrs of gangs, it's quite obvious that the violence virus was created by the government, or some other sinister group of white guys, to oppress and eventually wipe out the minority population(s) of the United States. "They" have a long and storied tradition of such hatred, from the AIDS virus to syphilis to smallpox to cooties and even the monsters hiding under my bed (they're real, people; I can hear them plotting against me). Wherefore art thou, Reverend Wright?
     As an alert reader might've noticed from actually reading the article, nobody's claiming that gang violence is caused by an actual virus. Gary Slutkin, founder of an anti-gang-violence outfit called CeaseFire, put his medical training as an epidemiologist to work and figured out that gang violence acts like a virus. Therefore it is predictable and should be treated not as a crime problem, but as a public health problem. This is great news, especially for all the cops across the nation who've been battling gangs for decades now and apparently never noticed that if the East Side Idiots whacked some homie from the 42nd Street Morons, then the Morons from the four-two might be inclined to retaliate. It also means the police no longer need risk their lives trying to put a stop to gangs and their violent tendencies. All we have to do is have doctors ask their patients a few pertinent questions, such as "Have you, in the past year, ever felt the need to pop a cap in someone's ass?" If anyone answers "yes", then the doctor can administer a lead vaccine with a .357 syringe. Or maybe a .45 ACP enema; whatever is more medically appropriate.


Would you like a complimentary bikini wax with your epidural?


     In other medical news, it seems that more and more pregnant women are prettying themselves up before the big day. That's right: now that people expect to see graphic pictures and/or video of their friends and relatives giving birth, the multimedia-savy mothers-to-be of New York City are heading to the salon before the hospital so they can put their best . . . um . . . face forward, so-to-speak. I have only two comments to make:
  1.   Who the hell wants to watch a film of someone giving birth? I remember when they forced us to watch such a thing in my eighth-grade health class, and it was the most God-awful, disgusting thing I'd even seen. Still is, too.  It's bad enough that you have to watch your own wife go through that. How sick do you have to be to wanna watch someone else's?
  2.   The NY Post article mentions that one woman had a Brazilian bikini wax done while she was in labor. This pretty much confirms that all the bitching and moaning women do about labor pains is a bunch B.S.  I mean, if you can have someone pour hot wax onto and rip the hair from your most sensitive of areas while in labor, finally pushing the kid out can't possibly be that painful.  So quit yer bitchin', already; that cat's out of the bag.


Au Natural or Plastic?


     In yet more medical stupidity, Houston housewife and Brazilian émigré Sheyla Hershey made headlines this week when she announced to have her size triple-F breasts enlarged. Again. For the ninth time. The Great State of Texas said "no", but since everything's supposedly bigger in Texas, one wonders why they're objecting. Perhaps it's because carrying a gallon of silicone around in your boobs might pose certain health risks, most notably to your lower back. Go ahead, try it: strap two half-gallon containers of milk to your chest and walk around like that for a week and see if you can't avoid a frantic search of the yellow pages for a chiropractor. At any rate, there is no sound reason for wanting to do such a thing, so let's move on, shall we?
     She ought to come and visit sunny South Florida; plastic surgeons here are desperate for the business. According to a recent article in the Palm Beach Post, area body-and-fender doctors have seen their business drop by rates as high as 60%, due largely to the present economic slowdown. Some doctors have been been forced to eat meals at home instead of eating out. Oh, the indignity! This sort of thing must be stopped, and stopped now! What we need is a massive new federal welfare entitlement program, which I propose be named Boobfare, whereby facelifts, tummy tucks, boob jobs and all other completely unnecessary surgical procedures will be heavily subsidized in order that no more proud doctors will be forced to put off buying that new Beemer. I expect announcements any day now from all of the major presidential contenders detailing their plans for Boobfare. Hillary? Barry? John? Action must be taken.


I thought he said he was moving to France


     Speaking of boobs and politicians, actor Alec Baldwin told 60 Minutes correspondant Morely Safer that he was considering running for political office. Someday. Maybe. If he feels like it. It's certainly something he's considering doing besides acting. Frankliy, I think he'd make a great president, especially if we ever get that 3am phone call of Hillary's and we need someone to call a world leader a "thoughtless little pig". Maybe he can pull a JFK and appoint all his brothers to cabinet posts: Alec as president, Daniel as Attorney General, Stephen as Secretary for Faith-Based Initiatives, and William as . . . well, whatever. That alone would almost be worth the certain disater and ruin which would befall our country if that jackass were ever to be voted into office. Best of luck to ya, Al.


Gump Stumps for Obama


     That's right, kids: the star of such screen gems as Bachelor Party and the long-running sitcom Bosom Buddies has thrown his considerable support in favor of Barrack Obama. In a video posted on his personal Myspace profile, Tom Hanks announced that he wants Obama to be the next president, and then went on for a while explaining his decision. Or maybe he just rambled on incoherently about how his mamma always told him an election is like a box of chocolates; I didn't care, so I didn't watch the rest. I did manage to catch the part where he tried a bit of self-depreciation about how he's such a major celebrity that now that I know he's for Obama he's also made up my mind for me, but he delivered it in such an awful dead-pan manner that it just sucked. Tom, if you really want to grab people's attention, you ought to do us a favor and let us know who Peter Scolari's supporting. I don't have the time to find out myself because, frankly, I have more important things to do. Like researching the next story.


Um, I have a headache?


     That, my loyal readers, is a picture of a seal lying on top of a penguin. Why, you ask, is this important? Because, I say, it is the first known incidence of seal-on-penguin action; you can read all the purient details here. While no one knows exactly why the incident in question occured, the South African scientists who witnessed the event believe it was merely the action(s) of a "frustrated, sexually inexperienced young male seal." They ought to know; they sat there and watched this go on for the better part of an hour. And took pictures.   Perverts.  Unfortunately, no action was taken against any of the parties involved because of a lack of a controlling legal authority in Antarctica. The scientists did note, however, that the penguin didn't seem to have been harmed by the incident, and it is yet unkonown whether the seal has bothered to call. He probably won't; they never do.


God Damn Springfield


     To close out, I leave you with the following presentation from VanityFair.com. Enjoy.