Saturday, May 17, 2008

Week in Review, May 11-17

     Ready for another week's worth of insanity, asininity, and plain ol' stupidity? No? Too bad . . .

They forgot the car keys and whiskey

     To start things off, we head to picturesque Newark, Texas, where Ralph Hardy used his father's credit card to ran up a $30,000 tab on such varied items as snack foods, video games, and hookers. Yep, hookers. According to a recent article published by, the enterprising young lad ordered a second credit card on his father's pre-existing account and treated himself and a friend to a night on the town. Everything was apparently going along swimmingly until the boys asked a delivery clerk where they might "score some chicks" after winning big in a World of Warcraft tournament; they were ready for some relaxation and were "willing to pay". Already alarmed by the large quantities of junk food he'd just delivered, the clerk gave the kids a line on some horizontal entertainment and then decided to call the police. When the cops arrived at the hotel, they found a room full of junk food, various and sundry electronic devices, two kids playing video games and two confused prostitutes. The prostiutes told the responding officers that they thought something was amiss when the boys told them they wanted to play video gams instead of rumpling the sheets However, since the boys informed them that they were midgets working for a traveling circus and therefore considered disabled under state law, the hookers decided to stay and take their money because in the great state of Texas it's apparently illegal for illegal sex workers to discriminate against the handicapped. While the prostitutes were eventually released, young Mr. Hardy has been convicted of fraud and given a three-year "community order", whatever the hell that is. And what does little Ralphie want to be when he grows up? A politician. Perfect.
     A little too perfect, actually. This story is obviously B.S., and the one glaring error should've tipped you off right away: nobody in America delivers junk food. Pizza, sure. But not just Dr. Pepper and Oreos. The rest of the story is entirely believable, of course, and serves as perfect proof of the old adage that truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to be, well, believable. It also serves as an excellent lesson as to why 13-year-olds are not treated as adults: they don't know how to act like one. Sure, Raplh was smart enough to order a second credit card instead of just stealing his dad's original, and he was even clever enough to come up with that briliant line about being a midget. However, the sad fact remains that when given the opportunity, the kid spent thirty grand and didn't buy and drugs or alcohol. Yeah, he hired a couple of $1000 hookers, but he didn't know what to do with them. Given the amount of time he apparently spends online, you'd think he should've seen some internet porn by now, but I guess not. Or maybe it just didn't take. Anyway, he doesn't have the first clue as to how properly debauch himself, which is why he's still a minor. And that's a good thing.

"I'm, like, all for saving stuff . . . "

     Last week I brought you the story of the selfish Houston bimbo who wanted to make her gigantic boobs even more bigger. This week I have an even better story: unselfishly using one's powers of bimbo-ry to inspire others to philanthropic altruism. Or maybe altruistic philanthropy. Or, like, whatever. Seriously. It's, like, totally for a good cause, dude. Kim Kardashian, star of her own homemade internet porn video, is lending her considerable talents to ease the plight of the Burmese people. And don't think she's just jumping on the bandwagon; she'd been working on this long before that pesky cyclone stole came along and totally stole her spotlight. Late last week she released video of a public service announcement she's been working on in order to raise awareness about the oppressive military regime in Burma, and was quickly and roundly criticized for acting like a total bimbo. Unfortunately, the video has been pulled from circulation, so you'll just have to take my word for it. During the course of the PSA Ms. Kardashain discusses Burma with her sisters Kourtney and Khloe (yes, both with a K) while preparing for a benefit. It begins thusly:
Kim: “What’s this benefit for again? Burping?”
Kourtney: “No, not burping, Burma.”
Kim: “I was kidding.”
It gets worse from there, including Kim checking out her butt in a mirror. The post on her official bolg did elicit numerous comments, including one from some nitwit who asked "what's a burma?"[sic]. It frightens me to think that these people are out there somewhere, roaming free and secure in the belief that nothing is wrong with them.

"It was all her fault, your Honor"

     From female boobs to those of the male variety: O.J. Simpson was back in the news this week. According to a recent Associated Press article, memorabilia dealer and former "Juice" crony Mike Gilbert claims that O.J. confessed to his ex-wife's infamous murder while high on marijuana. According to Gilbert, Simpson told him: "If she hadn't opened that door with a knife in her hand . . . she'd still be alive." You should've heard all about this by now, so I'll keep this one short and sweet. While it has long been obvious to the entire planet that O.J. was guilty as proverbial sin, it was only with this recent revelation that everything really came into focus. From the "Trial of the Century" to avoiding payment of the massive civil judgement against him to his touring the nation's golf courses in the hunt for the real killer(s) to his recent insane escapade in Las Vegas, we all now know why he's done the things he's done: the bitch set him up.

"Pass the beer nuts."

     Want more male boobs? Here's another one, anyway. Fresh from his much-reviled attack on British women as being fat and lazy, writer Tad Safran informs the world that everything he knows about women he's learned from his two-year-old niece, Lou-Lou. Aside from bearing the douchebaggy name "Tad", the article clearly shows why this guy is a total idiot and is presumably unmarried. Please bear with me as I apply my vast knowledge of the subject and summarize Tad's assumptions about women:
  1. Ignore them  He claims that if he wants his neice to pay attention to him, he need only act like he dosen't notice him, but it's a well-known fact that women want men to pay attention to them. That's why they're fond of asking the unanswerable question "Does this make me look fat?"
  2. Bribe them  Duh. Diamonds never make a woman look fat, and she'll never even think to ask.
  3. Compliment them  Again, duh. Women like to be complimented; that's why they're fond of asking the unanswerable question "Does this make me look fat?"
  4. Listen to them  A "duh" hat-trick. Women love to talk, that's why they're fond of asking the unanswerable question "Does this make me look fat?"
  5. Apologize  You're wrong. Those pants don't make her butt look fat, and if you gave a damn about her feelings you'd understand that, you insensitive bastard.
  6. Let them do it  If they really think they look fat, they'll do something about it, even if it's eating yet another pint of Jen & Berry's.
  7. Don't tell them what to do  For the love of God, don't tell her to get some exercise or join a gym, even if everything makes her look fat. You might as well just perform the castration yourself and get it over with.
  8. Don't complain  Woman love to talk, not listen. Try to complain about something and all you'll get is "Oh, so you think your day was bad?" or "Why should I care? You think I'm fat!"
  9. Don't argue  Women love to argue, so you needn't bother starting one; they'll start one for you, most likely with the unanswerable question "Does this make me look fat?"
  10. Don't make them cry  Good luck with that one, Taddy-boy. Women love to cry, often for no earthly reason whatsoever. There's even an entire TV channel devoted to making them cry. The only remedy for this is a locked, soundproof room or a large supply of alcohol. Whatever makes your ears go numb.
So, as you can clearly see women only care about one thing: whether or not they're fat. You can't learn this kind of thing from a toddler, and despite his article about English wide-loads, Tad apparently has yet to figure this out. Or maybe he has; I didn't actually read the article. However, from the posted picture I assume that he thinks Paris Hilton is the paradigm of feminine beauty. Personaly, I think that if she wants people to take her seriously as a blone bimbo, she really needs to get some bigger boobs.

What housing slump?

     Despite the much-bemoaned "housing crisis", real estate mogul, TV star, and comb-over afficionado Donald Trump continues to make a fortune in the highly lucrative field of amassing wealth. The Palm Beach Post reported in an article Wednesday that Trump has finally managed to unload his newly-renovated Palm Beach estate to an unnamed foreign buyer for its official asking price of $100 million. Even The Donald isn't immune to the market's recent woes, however: he only sold the property after droping the asking price from an initial $125 million and had even been forced to refuse bids as low as $85 million. How people can possibly be so cheap, I'll never know. In a Thursday interview on CNBC's Squawk Box, Mr. Trump in a rather roundabout way confirmed that the buyer was Russian, but did not mention the buyer's name or explain how in the hell a Russian managed to come up with that much hard currency. The original article did mention, however, that it is rumored that the buyer has plans to demolish the house and possibly even subdivide the six-acre property. Typical foreigners, buying the property Americans won't buy and then trashing the place. This is why we need stricter immigration controls, people.


     From the "News You Can Use" Department: A recent study done by somebody from somewhere found that people with tattoos are often perceived as more sexually "available". Duh. If you're not interested, then why would you bother to advertise?

     The San Diego Union-Tribune reports that the price of cocaine today is much lower that in its heyday in the 80s. According to their research at a local college, today's gram of cocaine will run you about $28, while back in the day you would've spent anywhere from $100 to $120 for the same sugar-packet-sized slice of heaven. Seeing as how with inflation that gram of coke ought to cost almost $300 these days, this is great news. With the price of everything else escalating out of control, soon it will be cheaper to ruin your life rather than to live it.

     In other medical news, the government of Iran has eradicated the waiting list for kidneys. That's right, the very same country which has no homosexuals they will admit to also has no problem providing its citizens with much-needed kidneys. How do they do it, you ask? Simple: they seized the initiative by legalizing and regulating the sale of kidneys. They pay donors approximately $2000, which works out to about one-sixth the average Iranian's share of their country's GDP (2007 est). Here in the good ol' US of A, per capita GDP runs at $44,000 (2006 est.), so one-sixth of that would be . . . um . . . lemmie find my calculator . . . forty-four grand . . . divide by pi . . . carry the two . . . well, it's a whole helluva lot more than two grand. so you ought to be able to see where I'm going wih this: I'm gonna get me a kidney trading license and start buying up Iranian kidneys and selling them here, thus making a bloody fortune. To hell with the whales.

     Even more in the medical field: A Manhattan man recently confessed to sexualy assaulting the corpse of a 92-year-old woman at a morgue in Teaneck, NJ. While this is pretty disgusting, it's also a great way to avoid all those pesky relational problems men seem to have with women. Perhaps Tad Safran ought to give this guy a call.

     Moving back to the economical, both the US Federal Reserve and the Bank of England have finally come to the realization that all the frantic rate cutting they've been doing just might have something to do with all the inflation that's been going on, so in their finite wisdom they've decided to cut back. I can't speak for Englanders, but I think this sucks. I haven't been frittering away enough of my "disposable" income on food and fuel and rent lately, and if they do something to temper inflation rates then cocaine abuse might not seem like such an attrative option. Thanks, Ben; I really appreciate the hell outta it.

     From bureaucrats to politicians: Barry Obama was caught on tape this week calling a female reporter "sweetie". As I'm sure you've heard all about this by now, I'll just ask the question no one else, not even Tad Safran, bothered to ask: How did a woman get to be a reporter in the first place?

     One last Obama item to see you out: At long last, former North Carolina Senator John Edwards has thrown his considerable support behind Obama's run for the White House. Apparently taking some well-deserved time off from his day job of driving malpractice insurance rates through the roof and thus running doctors out of his state, Edwards made an apperance at what was described as a "boisterous" rally in Grand Rapids, Mich. on Monday and pledged his support for Obama, along with thirteen of his committed electors. Or maybe it was his thirteen committed voters. I wasn't paying too terrible much attention, but I'm betting on the latter. At any rate, I know what you're thinking: now that Barry has the support of one DNC has-been, does he have Michael Dukakis' support, too? You bet! In an interview with CNN's Larry King, Dukakis wouldn't specifically endorse Obama, but he did say that "[I]t's very clear that Sen. Obama knows what's going to be hitting him, already does, and I think will be prepared." With this ringing endorsement from a man who squandered a ninteen-point lead in the polls after the 1988 DNC convention, Obama's path to his party's nomination is now obviously clear. Gimmie that change I can believe in, Barry, whether I want it or not!