Wednesday, August 29, 2007

A Note to Ditech.com


Dear Ditech.com;
      I have been watching your horrible commercials for that past few months now, and since I apparently can't avoid them no matter what channel I watch, I must now vent. In the interest of being concice and to-the-point, I'll be brief:

  1. People Are Smart.   People are manifestly un-smart. If y'all doubt this, I suggest you spend some time watching CNBC and watch all the stock market averages tank every time someone mentions the phrase "sub-prime mortgage." Base human stupidity is the reason thousands of people signed themselves up for mortgages with ridiculously low adjustable interest rates and then never considered the possibility that that interest rate might, say, triple by the time it came for their rate to be "adjusted." It's also the reason why otherwise supposedly smart people on Wall Street and elsewhere are eating billions of dollars in write-offs after investing in the same idiocy. And now that the mortgage industry is "tightening lending standards" en masse in a typical, stupid, knee-jerk & close-the-barn-door-after manner unique to the human race, I can't even think about trying to buy a house. Instead, I'm stuck here in my overpriced and undersized one-bedroom apartment wondering how long it will be before I won't be able to borrow a dollar to buy a candy bar. I'm not saying that y'all're directly responsible for any of this . . . just please stop telling me that people are smart.

  2. Creepy Cartoon Guy   That thing up there in that picture is one of the creepiest things I've seen lately. No, really, I'm serious: The Exorcist pales in comparison. When that thing pops up on my screen, larger-than-life and waving its arm around with that freakish grin on its I have to either turn my head or just close my eyes and pray that it goes away. It looks like the evil love-child spawned by Col. Sanders and Orville Redenbacher, which is an extreme insult upon two great men who brought America some damn tasty food. Get rid of it. Now.

I thank you in advance for your time and consideration in these matters. Popcorn chicken, anyone?