Oh Fudge

Because just yesterday I heard a twelve-year-old girl say to another twelve-year-old girl, ostensibly her friend, "Slow down, bitch."

---

Pneumatic lift cylinders, your office chair, and you

Ol' Sparky


     It was an average day; the sun was probably shining, but I don't like bright and cheerful things so I was at home with the blinds closed and shades drawn, performing the vitally important task of staring at whatever was displayed on my computer monitor. Supporting my heroic efforts in this titanic endeavor was my long-suffering office chair, purchased in March of this very year. I say long-suffering because the poor thing was designed to hold a maximum of two hundred fifty pounds or so and I don't exactly belong in that weight class, which brings me to the point. After months of faithful service, my trusty steed succumbed to the inevitable, and to the laws of physics, and began to sink slowly to the floor. The culprit was, of course, the over-taxed and thus thoroughly abused pneumatic lift cylinder, central to the height-adjustmentibility and overall general comfortabilityness of any office chair. Being not terribly surprised, I stood up, returned the chair to its full height, and sat down to continue my critical web-surfing duties. After barely a minute the poor old cylinder gave out again and, after putting my considerable analytical skills to work, I surmised that I had a problem.
     Normally when this happens I simply wait until this particular model of chair is on sale at OfficeMax and just buy a new one, but this was no normal day. Average, but not normal. And the damn thing wasn't on sale that week. Or the next. Or even the next. And there's no way in hell I'm about to drive all the way down there (almost eight miles) only to have to pay full price. No way, sir. Not this bird. Nix, nein, hayell no! So, in a spirit of . . . well . . . I don't know what it was suffice to say that I started to surf the interwebs in search of a solution, and that's exactly what I found: a replacement pneumatic cylinder! Yay! And this one was designed for someone in my particular weight class, i.e. robust, Rubenesque, rotund, round, &c. So I placed my order via the wonderful folks at Amazon.com and barely four days later I held in my very own wings my brand new pneumatic lift cylinder, ready and waiting for installation. And this, dear reader, is where the fun really began.


das Kaiserpinguin's Step-by-step Guide to Replacing Your Office Chair's Pneumatic Lift Cylinder
Step One:  Remove replacement cylinder from box, inspect contents to make sure all parts are present.

Step Two:  Sit in chair and allow cylinder to retract fully.

Step Three:  Invert chair so that the chair is resting on the top of the chair back and the forward edge of the seat. The chair base (the star-shaped thing with the wheels, genius) should now be pointing up at an acute angle.

Step Four:  Locate retaining clip on bottom of cylinder.

Step Five:  Ignore daily call from telemarketer/collection agency/IRS/parole officer/whoever.

Step Six:  Using flat-blade screwdriver, pry retaining clip from bottom of cylinder.

Step Seven:  Remove washer from bottom of cylinder.

Step Eight:  Slowly remove base from cylinder piston; cylinder sleeve will remain lodged in base hub.

Step Nine:  Place chair base upside down on a table or suitable workbench.

Step Ten:  Apply some WD-40 or other suitable lubricant between cylinder sleeve and base hub, tapping gently on the sleeve to allow lubricant to seep in.

Step Eleven:  Using hammer or rubber mallet, bang on the bottom of the cylinder sleeve as hard as you can until it comes loose and falls on the floor.

Step Twelve:  Have drink; that sum'bitch was wedged in there pretty damn tight.

Step Thirteen:  Repeat step ten, this time with chair post and the seat tilt mechanism.

Step Fourteen:  Place pipe wrench on chair post as close as possible to junction with tilt mechanism.

Step Fifteen:  Twist wrench back and forth to remove chair post, using hammer to assist when and if necessary.

Step Sixteen:  Have another drink; that thing was tighter than the damn base.

Step Seventeen:  Insert new cylinder into chair base.

Step Eighteen:  Only now realize that new cylinder is tapered to fit a 45mm diameter hub, and yours is 50mm in diameter.

Step Nineteen:  Curse.

Step Twenty:  Have another drink.

Step Twenty-one:  Reinsert new cylinder into base again, noticing how the cylinder is now proud of bottom of base by a good three inches or so. (see fig. 1)

Step Twenty-two:  Leaving base seated loosely, reattach chair body to chair post.

Step Twenty-three:  Notice how chair leans backwards at an ominously dangerous angle. (see fig. 2)

Step Twenty-four:  Seat base fully on cylinder, noticing how the cylinder prevents the wheels from touching the floor. (see fig. 3)

Step Twenty-five:  Curse profusely.

Step Twenty-six:  Resign yourself to the inevitable and sit in your new wobbly-ass chair.

Step Twenty-seven:  Continue cursing and drinking until you think of a solution.

Step Twenty-eight:  After an hour of so of drunken swearing and web-surfing, conceive of brilliant solution.

Step Twenty-nine:  Order 4-inch diameter casters to solve ground-clearance problem. (see fig. 4)

Step Thirty:  Sit carefully on wobbly chair for five days until new wheels arrive.

Step Thirty-one:  Remove old, useless wheels.

Step Thirty-two:  Install snazzy new wheels.

Step Thirty-three:  Stop drinking and write blog.






     And that, boys and girls, is how you do that. I do certainly hope y'all have learned something and will benefit from my considerable expertise and experience and, by all means, don't enjoy the rest of your day.

---

Sad woman, take it slow . . .

This is what happens when I have way too much time on my hands. Enjoiy. :o)

---

A good man is hard to find

Obama Releases 500,000 Men From U.S. Strategic Bachelor Reserve

---

Spread the Stupidity

     My stepfather, God bless his crusty old heart, loves to send me chain mail. You know, the kind of crap people find mildly humorous, somewhat witty and/or otherwise worthy of wasting their employer's money passing around the office. People have been doing this since the "office" as we know it today was first invented by engineers from IBM in 1885 shortly after the erection of the first skyscraper, Chicago's long-demolished Home Insurance Building, in 1884. This, along with the mimeograph machines and typewriters already in existence, gave ordinary people a vastly more efficient method of spreading their stupid jokes around. Now, thanks to email, this can happen at damn near the speed of light. And I'm tired of receiving this crap, the detritus of human thought at which people smile & nod and then send on to others with a thoughtless click of a "forward" button. Here's a small sample of what's out there, along with a few notes and/or observations I made while actually thinking about what I was reading.

1. Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front? This is largely due to government regulations. The drugs sold at the back are designated as controlled substances which must be sold from a highly secured location. Cigarettes, however, suffer from no such designation and may be sold from mere 'secured' locations. Those old enough ought to remember the days when cigarettes were a) promoted in advertisements by doctors as completely and totally harmless, and b) sold in purpose-built vending machines which could be found in nearly every lobby in America. Given current trends, they'll soon likely be sold in the back as well, and everyone in the store will give you dirty looks while twelve-year-olds buying condoms won't even merit a cursory glance.
   
   
2. Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters? Because banks are businesses. Businesses, by definition, need a steady flow of paying customers in order to turn a profit and thus stay in business. Locked doors tend to inhibit customer traffic. No, really: Just try walking through a locked door. Providing each and every customer with a brand new pen each and every time they visit, however, eventually costs a whole helluva lot of money, thus impacting bank's ability to turn a profit and stay in business. Besides, taking the pen is just petty theft, so why do you do it?
   
   
3. Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?
   1. If you think it's worthless why do you keep it around, numbnuts?
   2. Take all your junk outside, put your car in your garage and see how long your stuff lasts sitting outside exposed to the elements. And thieves. Your car is designed to be exposed to said elements and/or thieves; I'm willing to bet the rest of your stuff isn't.
   
   
   
4. Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight? Because that's how they're packaged and sold. If you had a brain, you would've asked, "Why are hot dogs sold in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?" Then I would be able to tell you that this is because hot dogs are made out of meat, meat byproducts and/or animal matter of some kind. This means they (the hot dogs) were made by butchers, and butchers like to sell the stuff they make by the pound. Ten hot dogs equal one pound, which keeps the math pretty easy because, let's face it, if they were good at math they wouldn't be making a living by chopping living creatures into meal-sized portions.
   
   Bakers, however, are evil bastards who hate multiples of ten.
   
   
5. Why do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering? This, too, is due largely to government regulations. Thanks to the Americans with Disabilities Act, it is now a federal crime to discriminate against the "differently-abled" in any way, shape or form, including but not limited to making them feel discriminated against. This is why wherever you go all the good parking spaces are a) painted blue, and b) almost always empty, because there just aren't that many handicapped people around. This is also why drive-up ATMs have Braille keypads. Because they (ATMs) must be accessible to and by the blind, ATM manufacturers have two choices: 1) Make two different types of keypads for walk-up and drive-up machines, or 2) Make only one kind of keypad, which would be cheaper.
   
   Alternatively, you could drive your blind friend to the bank and make use of the drive-through ATM. That is, of course, if you were kind enough to do such a thing. Instead, you spend your time thinking up things like this.
   
   
6. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin? Your hair is dead, therefore it can't produce more pigment to replace the pigment bleached by sunlight. Your skin, however, is quite alive and the tanning process is a positive defensive reaction to keep your body from absorbing too much sunlight, which can give you cancer. And wicked sunburns.
   
   
7. Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
   1. Because most psychics are frauds.
   2. Even if they weren't and could predict the winning numbers and told everybody, the lotteries would collapse; they don't actually have all that money just lying around to give to the winners, and if everybody had a winning ticket then everybody would have to share the jackpot with, well, everybody.
   3. If I was a psychic and knew the winning numbers, why would I want to tell anybody else?
   
   
   
8. Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? Here's another long word for you, genius: etymology. Find a dictionary. Look it up. If you can.
   
   
9. Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? See above. That means the answer to your previous brilliant question also applies to this one.
   
   
10. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Been drinking your Palmolive again, have you? That explains a lot.
    
    
11. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Again, see no. 8.
    
    
12. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? See above. If you can.
    
    
13. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Once you're done with the Palmolive, go right ahead and start licking mice. I hope you enjoy hemorrhagic fevers.
    
    
14. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Because he was saving life, not destroying it. Besides, we invented DDT, which is entirely harmless to humans. Now if only we could actually use the stuff . . .
    
    
15. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Wool doesn't shrink, it felts. And sheep aren't made out of wool, they're made mostly out of meat. Wool just grows on them.
    
    
16. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? See no. 8 and blame the Italians. Or the French. Or anybody who speaks a Romance language.
    
    
17. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? Yes. And what progress Congress manages to make is usually in the wrong direction. This is why our Founding Fathers gave Congress specific and limited powers so that they wouldn't be able to muck everything up the way they do now. They can muck everything up now thanks to American Progressivism, a 19th century political movement which sought to do away with limited constitutional government and replace it with unlimited constitutional government. This has been the guiding philosophy of American politics and governance for pert-near a century now, and you can see how well that's worked out. Remember this the next time you meet someone who self-identifies as a "progressive."
    
    
18. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? The airport is not the terminal; the building within the airport where you board and exit the plane is called the terminal. And the terminal is where your flight ends, brainiac, not your life. To find out why the term "terminal" is used, get a clue and see no. 8.

     Readers with the IQ and common sense that God gave a turnip have noticed by now that all this deep thinking is rooted in three main causes: 1) Government laws and regulations; 2) People too lazy or stupid to open and/or operate Merriam-Webster's dictionary, much less the internet where one can find, quite incidentally, Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary; and 3) People who suck at or are too lazy to do math, for whatever reason. Why this sad state of affairs exists boils down to two reasons. First, because all of us in the West live in various forms, shades and flavors of democracies, "We the People" are ultimately responsible for governmental and bureaucratic malfeasance, mainly because we're usually too lazy to really pay attention. And people who can't work a dictionary are usually bad at math, too, mostly because of maleducation at the hands of public schools. Which are run by the government. For which we bear said ultimate responsibility. So now you see the vicious Cycle of Stupidity, a cycle perpetuated by lazy, semi-literate people who spend otherwise valuable time laughing mindlessly at and passing around collections of witless witticisms, moronic oxymorons and superficial non sequiturs. Don't be one of those people. Crack open a dictionary, use a calculator and pay attention to what those knuckleheads in Sodom-on-Potomac are doing. It matters.

     And Pappy, you're good at math, so stop sending me this shit.



P.S.: Send this to ten people and then there'll be ten more people in this world who have documented proof that you're an idiot.

---