Monday, November 05, 2007

High Financifyin'

Below I've posted a copy of an actual letter I sent to Merrill Lynch's board of directors stating my case as an excellent candidate to be their next CEO. I don't stand a snowball's chance in hell, but I had fun writing it. Enjoy.

5 November, 2007

Board of Directors of Merrill Lynch & Co., Inc.
c/o Alberto Cribiore
Merrill Lynch & Co., Inc.
222 Broadway, 17th Floor
New York, New York 10038

Dear Mr. Cribiore;
     According to a recent press release I understand that you have been named to chair a CEO search committee, and as such I would like to submit myself as a candidate for your committee's consideration. I'm quite certain that you're a busy man, so in the interest of saving you as much time as possible I'll be brief. My qualifications are as follows:
  • I am a high school graduate
  • I spent two semesters at Penn State, both of which were complete failures
  • I worked for nearly eight years in shipping & receiving at a subsidiary of The Hartford, Inc.
  • I watch CNBC for approximately two hours each weekday
So, as you can plainly see I pretty much have no qualifications whatsoever, and I believe that's exactly the thing you need. Please allow me to explain why.
     Your industry is in turmoil. Despite several cereal-boxes worth of university-degree acronyms, apparently no one in the financial industry thought it would be a bad idea to write mortgages at bargain-basement interest rates which would double or triple in a few years, thus driving thousands upon thousands of homeowners into default. As a result, many billions of dollars in assets and market capitalization have up and vanished like so many farts in the wind. Your previous CEO, with his more than thirty years experience, somehow managed to lose more than eight billion dollars. And as I write this, the latest scuttlebutt on the street says that Citibank is poised to announce both a similarly large write-off and the resignation of their own head honcho. Following the financial shenanigans of the late 90s it is apparent, at least to me, that all the experience on earth doesn't mean beans, so why not try something new?
     I have nothing invested in a career in the financial industry. Nothing. I haven't spent a decade or more in college earning degrees. I haven't spent twenty or more years kissing ass working my way up through the ranks. I don't give a damn about office politics. I have no powerful friends to whom I owe any favors. I have no powerful enemies with axes to grind. I have no sense of entitlement, no notion that I deserve this position because of all the hard work I haven't done or for all of the long hours I didn't spend in the offices I never had. I won't be cooking the books to make it look like I'm doing an outstanding job when I'm not. I'll work for a salary all your other candidates would consider an insult. If I lose billions it won't cost you a couple hundred-million to kick me to the curb. And if that's necessary, there'll be no hard feelings, only clear consciences all around because I know you don't owe me shit.  So why not save yourself and everybody else a whole lot of time and effort and hire me as soon as possible?
     I thank you in advance for your time and consideration, and I'll be looking forward to your contacting me with some sort of offer.  Remember, I'm cheap!